Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Just because I'm not forever by your side doesn't mean that's not precisely where I want to be.

Truthfulness so often goes with ruthlessness.

Great is the love of God.

Finding one’s place in the world is never easy.Have courage and be true to who you are.Remember, those who dare to be different areOften the ones who change the world.

If you relax your mind, it can begin working for you.

They wouldn't have picked you to tell their story if you weren't the one.

Dreams come a couple sizes too big so you can grow into them.

None of us can predict when the causes we support will capture the public imagination, and our once-lonely quests become popular crusades.

That's going to be on my headstone: 'He came. He wrote 'In the Air Tonight.' He... died.'

If you look at some of the people in the Hall of Fame, my numbers are compatible.