Thank you hard taco shells for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

To me, natural, healthy looking skin is really beautiful. With a little concealer, eyeshadow, liner, gloss and bronzer, I love my lighter makeup look. I've saved so much money on facials!

God does not discipline us to subdue us, but to condition us for a life of usefulness and blessedness.

A few. . . critics are the only people I ever heard use the phrase 'imminent threat.' I didn't, the president didn't.

If I have a script, I tend to stick to it even if God may be leading me elsewhere in the moment.

A psychology degree doesn't get you very far.

But they (the infantry) had no use for boys of twelve and thirteen, and before I had a chance in another war, the desire to kill people to whom I had not been introduced had passed away.

In life, we all learn from everyone.

What better proof of love can there be than money? A ten-shilling note shows incontrovertibly just how mad about you a man is.

Opportunity is the best captain of all endeavor.

I used to dream about him all the time," Sunny whispered to me. "Every night. I kept hoping the Seekers would find him; I missed him so much...When I saw him, I thought it was the old dream again.