Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Your eyes hold all the answers to my life's problems.

When asked, "Why do you always wear black?", he said, "I am mourning for my life.

What you think about yourself is much more important than what others think of you.

The higher up, the harder the fall.

Words are good for saying what things are, but sometimes they don't function for what things aren't.

I love the finality of film. When you make a movie, you know the beginning, middle, and end.

In Hollywood, you're never any better than your last picture.

Often, I work out of my work. One work takes me to the next thing.

It's a privilege to work with an artist that you really care for.

Don't question your wife's judgment; look who she married.