Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Maybe he wouldn't say anything, which is the worst thing men do.

Magic is an ancient practice that has power over superstitious mind.

It is astounding how women influence our entire ambit, and that's in this 'manly' world! They amaze you, don't they? And man, we get amazed!

Yoga is about the will, working with intelligence and self-reflexive consciousness, can free us from the inevitability of the wavering mind and outwardly directed senses.

Clinton feels a profound alienation from the Washington culture here, and I happen to agree with him.

I think the special stuff [music] still finds a way to be heard, as long as you pair it with a good release strategy.

How wonderful, how miraculous, all beings, but all beings, are fully endowed with the wisdom and power of the Tathagat. But, sadly, human beings, due to sticky attachments, are not aware of it

I'll stop doing everything that I do when I don't want to do it anymore.

Access to science is greater than ever before. There are more vehicles out there that grant the public access to science. Not to mention the Internet.

I'm constantly looking for something that will be pushing the audience to new scares in horror movies.