Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Each life has its share of heroism, an obscure heroism, born of abdication, of renunciation and acceptance under the merciless whip of fate.

People talk a lot but they rarely say anything.

Is it not crystal clear, then, comrades, that all the evils of this life of ours spring from the tyranny of human beings?

Dogs who chase cars evidently see them as large, unruly ungulates badly in need of discipline and shepherding.

I'm very ambitious, musically - I want to create great things, not mediocre work.

I think if everyone is clean, then who cares about how you're tested?

I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me.

In every defeat, there develops a silent embryo of victory; in every failure, under the rubbles, there appears a divine key to success.

There is no such thing as failure. Failure is just life trying to move us in another direction.

Desire has no history.