Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The universe would give you whatever you wanted if you twisted its arm hard enough.

What a pity it is that we have no amusements in England but vice and religion!

The major motivation theories by which most men live can lead them only to depression and cynicism.

My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

Set a new standard. Change reality. Break ground to something new and different. That achievement will live forever just because you WERE somebody special!

America is still a country of choices and options. And I have a lot of them.

The most real of all splendors are not in outward things, they are within us.

Monkey can make a long jump with his muscles; and man, with his wisdom!

When I am on set or rehearsing for the play, the only thing I can talk about is the work I'm doing. In that way, I home in on what I am doing at the time. So maybe I am a terrible multitasker.