Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

No matter how tough your journey gets, it would never be tougher than your mind if your thoughts and beliefs are always in your favor.

I want to be the star in your diary" -Shawn, Fade to White

I believe that the development of language - of naming, categorization, conceptualization - destroys our ability to see as we age.

I didn't know the draft was in alphabetical order.

Sleeping with a witch would probably be pretty interesting. I hear that, and I understand that.

If you don't have your game-face on, you're going to go home either to a hospital or to a casket.

While some rules are necessary and good for us, living a life based on others' rules, needs, and expectations can stifle your self-expression and creativity, and keep a lid on your potential.

Without civilization, we would not turn into animals, but vegetables.

I like movies where you feel like you're going into another world, and no matter how many times you watch it, you're gonna see something new in that world. That level of detail really inspires me.

When I am dead and buried, on my tombstone I would like to have it written, 'I have arrived.' Because when you feel that you have arrived, you are dead.