That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Smartass Disciple: Master, I don’t need a fairytale.I need you to tell me the truth. Master of Stupidity: It is not funny if you just found it. No drama if no lost at first.

That voice that cries out doesn't have to be a weakling's does it?

I have no time in the world but the time in which I amand that lasts a moment and passes like a cloud.

A daughter, ' Rowley scooped up the child and held her high. The baby blinked from sleep and crowed with him. 'Any fool can have a son, ' he said. 'It takes a man to conceive a daughter.

Without overcoming the obstacles on the path, how can you get to the top of the mountain?

A family spirit is not always synonymous with family life. Bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh makes for brothers, sisters and relatives, who may be as distant as strangers in a foreign land.

Ladies love me I'm on my cool J

My third appeal is to my fellow citizens in all countries: Help us to establish lasting peace in the world.

We can't always make life work. But we can always draw near to God. There is a different way to approach our problems. There is a NEW WAY to live.

Don't succumb to excuses. Go back to the job of making the corrections and forming the habits that will make your goal possible.