That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Science fiction is filled with Martians and space travel to other planets, and things like that.

Anger is one of the sinews of the soul.

There's something nice and valuable and wonderful about the suspense and the classic horror that doesn't just crutch on blood and the almost pornographic view of fear.

I’ve always thought that each person invented himself… that we are each a figment of our own imagination. And some people have a greater ability to imagine than others.

In 1990 we ran across Europe through 13 countries and covering 7,130 miles.

Anytime anyone compliments me on my figure, I'm wearing my Spanx undies.

The aging of the U.S. population is a theme that we believe strongly in and the health care sector is really right in the bulls eye of this particular theme.

I'm not a pacifist by any measure, but I'm also fully aware that the reasons I might go to war could be very dubious.

Helping people grow and achieve their dreams is the fastest route to success.

A man is never so truly and intensely himself as when he is most possessed by God. It is impossible to say where, in the spiritual life, the human will leaves off and divine grace begins.