That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

The worldly life remains [and is not ending and one is not going to moksha] due to the pollution of the mind [bad mind/bad thoughts] and not due to the pollution of the body.

Man cannot spend all his time doing evil, and even in the company of pirates there must be some sweet moments on their sinister ship when you feel as if you were aboard a pleasure yacht.

I desperate desire to read the Holy Scriptures is spirituality of the soul.

It's funny, like 15 years ago when I was a kid doing all the John Hughes movies, I remember Bruce Willis was the only guy who was transitioning from television into film.

To put away one's own original thoughts in order to take up a book is a sin against the Holy Ghost.

Faith is a real power, not just an expression of belief.

There are certain people whom one feels almost inclined to urge to hurry up and die so that their letters can be published.

Honey, we all got to go sometime, reason or no reason. Dying's as natural as living. The man who's too afraid to die is too afraid to live.

The brightest flame casts the darkest shadow.

Everyone in my office wears it all winter, it's our uniform because it's the easiest thing to wear.