That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Equally as therapeutic was the fact that disaster did not come.

The abominable effort to take one’s sins with one to paradise.

I'm an entertainer and I entertain people and they entertain me back by asking questions. And some of them I answer.

You should never worry too much about achieving your goals, because in the long run you might not find yourself too happy when you get there.

There are no mistakes, only lessons. If you don't learn the lesson the first time, they get harder.

No scheme pays as well as legitimate business.

In radio, they say, nothing happens until the announcer says it happens.

Noah came before the flood. I have come before the fire.

It is a great pity but tis certain from every day's observation of man, that he may be set on fire like a candle, at either end provided there is a sufficient wick standing out.

I found out that I was a Christian for revenue only and I could not bear the thought of that, it was so ignoble.