That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

The light in meonly wants toreach the darkness in you.

The meaning of life is basically to be the kind of person you would want to be around.

They say the brain never ages it’s a shame it can't teach the body that trick.

I'm never the romantic lead. I'm the guy walking in on the romantic lead, going, "Oh sorry! I'll leave you guys alone."

There's nothing wrong with wanting someone to save us - or admitting we can't do it all ourselves.

In fashion, there are so many gangs, if you identify too much with one, you get caught - I would lose my freedom.

The dog which remembers only to bark and not to bite, and is led through the streets as a lady's pet, is only a degenerate wolf.

I've never gotten up to see something one of my kids wanted to show me and not been rewarded.

I'm gonna die but I haven't thought about retiring.

Life's something we already understand. Death is a mystery.