That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.'

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

The desire to learn is valuable, but the desire for an education is priceless.

Some people seem to fade away but then when they are truly gone, it's like they didn't fade away at all.

We buy our own toilet paper even here in the White House.

I've known Don Mancini for 22 years. We're dear friends. I know his humor, I know his mind.

The key to having an interesting life is to always say "yes" to anything crazy.

A love for humanity came over me, and watered and fertilised the fields of my inner world which had been lying fallow, and this love of humanity vented itself in a vast compassion.

My life is so full of surprises, nothing surprises me any more.

When we imply that our works are for God and not our neighbor, we perpetuate the idea that God's love for us is dependent on what we do instead of on what Christ has done.

I make no apology for preoccupying myself with architecture, television, conceptual art, restaurants and Jane Asher's cakes.