That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

It's my job as best friend to make sure he's not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one's worse.

Ghosts are everywhere, not just the ghost of Momma in the woods, but ghosts of us too, what we used to be like in those long summers.

My dogs have been the reason I have woken up every single day of my life with a smile on my face.

Costume jewelry is not made to give women an aura of wealth, but to make them beautifu

Sympathy is a characteristic trait of politicians and empathy an emotion of the masses.

Politicians are crooks!

At first I was almost about to despair, I thought I never could bear it — but I did I bear it. The question remains: how?

A treasure trove for parents and for professionals in the child-development fields.

West is too materialist; East is too spiritual; North is too cold; South is too loose!

Come on back and we’ll see if you remember the simplest thing of all – how it is to be children, secure in belief and thus afraid of the dark.