That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

People become successful the minute they decide to.

You ought to endure and complete your own race of life.

Then, when I thought it couldn’t get any better, I see it. And I knew, only then, that I’m truly in Heaven.

I am an aristocrat. I love liberty I hate equality.

I knew then and I know now, when it comes to justice, there is no easy way to get it.

What is there? No one can say -because there is no one there to say.

I never wanted to be the person who said, "I woulda, coulda, shoulda." Life is way too short, and you may not last that long.

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

I like to talk while I'm on stage. It makes the show more personal. With that said, it's got to stay within reason or it's annoying.

I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live.