That’s the beauty of being a comedian: it’s the one job you’re allowed to do that. We’re lucky. We’re really lucky.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

In prosperity our friends know us

You cannot enrich yourself with material possessions. However, you can enrich yourself by giving yourself away with love, service, kindness, compassion, and courage.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.

We both [wuth Harry Elfont] had those sort of misfit childhoods.

When I went to school, I was already reading and writing. In fact, I was offended that the other kids couldn't.

Religious questions have often led to wicked and impious actions.

I’m really alive when I’m on stage.

The doll had an adult shaped body, the thing that I had been trying to describe for years, and our guys said it couldn't be done.

Every cloud engenders not a storm.