That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Earthworms cannot be painters. Those who live in the darkness can never perceive and appreciate the beauties of the light!

A whole tree of lightning stood in the sky. She kept looking out the window, suffused with the warmth from the fire and with the pity and beauty and power of her death. The thunder rolled.

I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it's my way of saying what's going on in the world. How people are animals, really.

The song and the drumming were like this: Behold, a sacred voice is calling you; All over the sky a sacred voice is calling.

I like to think of myself as a character actor, though there's some redundancy in that...

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum! That's an amusing relic of our past.

The poor dog, in life the firmest friend. The first to welcome, foremost to defend.

This is a moment that I deeply wish my parents could have lived to share. My father would have enjoyed what you have so generously said of me-and my mother would have believed it.

On the path of truth, all religions are but one, race and color are irrelevant, and there is no difference between men and women.

Inner sense of worth that comes with being in love does not seem to depend essentially on whether the love is returned or not.