That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

To be able to impact the society and to be an agent of change, you have to make yourself available to serve.

I'm afraid it will never be perfect again. I am indelibly stained. Forever redefined, but blurred around the edges.

Wen you see a man in woe Walk right up and say "hullo." Say "hullo" and "how d'ye do " "How's the world a-usin' you?"

The person who can combine frames of reference and draw connections between ostensibly unrelated points of view is likely to be the one who makes the creative breakthrough.

If you actually took the number of Muslims Americans, we'd be one of the largest Muslim countries in the world.

I think a lot of people have a vision of L.A. in which TV executives and movie directors plan their latest productions by the swimming pool.

I don't write songs in order to stick it to my exes. I don't release underground dis tracks.

God may allow us at times to hit rock bottom, to show us He's the rock-at the bottom.

Renew your intention EVERY day, EVERY time you pray, and EVERY time you are about to do a good deed or else shaytan will lead your heart and mind astray.

I think that sexiness should be in the subtleties.