That's what you get for ignoring the beauty of Tupperware.

And don't tell me the end justifies the means because it doesn't. We never reach the end. All we ever get is means. That's what we live with.

I have known heaven, and now I am in hell, and there are mimes.

The tree of nonsense is watered with error, and from its branches swing the pumpkins of disaster.

Ninjas are silly. They are the flower fairies of gong fu and karate.

Photography is without mercy--though it's nonsense to say it does not lie. Rather, it lies in a particular, capricious way which makes beggars of ministers and gods of cat's meat men.

We need to create the institutions that will support the society we want to live in. The only answer is collective action.

I love you forever. I am sorry I cannot love you now.

Children, bored and opinionated, are scholars of the most dogmatic stripe.

Law is error, you see. It's an attempt to write down a lot of things everyone ought to know anyway.

Nowhere have I ever heard of Satan taking the form of an avuncular hippie. No doubt he could. It just seems inefficient.

If you teach success, you will taste success!

There is something insincere about a man or woman who repeatedly tells God how much he or she loves Him while refusing to obey Him.

Old Magic, Old Ways, the Old Ones themselves often seem powerless in a new place.

I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult circumstances.

Last good pratfall I did, I broke bones in both hands. I still feel it when people shake my hand.

I'm actually pretty smart when you get to know me.

Material success is not something that will bind you, unless you become attached to it, any more than poverty will liberate you.

My uncles, who are farmers in Minooka, Illinois - I grew up with them and their pickup trucks and mustaches, and to me that was masculinity: big hairy sweaty guys who could pick up a bus.

The specific media may change, but the principles of human nature have remained fairly constant over the millenia.

In the New York Times, you're going to get completely different information than you would in the USA Today.