That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

If I'm walking on thin ice, I might as well dance my way across.

God is not worried about what you have but about who has you.

May you find the grace of triumph in any situation.

There is no great genius without some touch of madness.

Seven actors have played Batman on the big screen, and if you can name all seven without reading any further, your youth has been wasted.

Barbara Boxer is the most bitterly partisan, most anti-defense senator in the United States Senate today. I know that because I've had the unpleasant experience of having to serve with her.

The Italian mafia, they're very [into] construction. They're in a whole different way of operating than they did back in the '20s.

There are a lot of people who touch the customer.

Every quotation contributes something to the stability or enlargement of language.

Definition is the companion of clarity; clarity is the guide to your goals.