That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

There is dignity after the storm.

I would venture to warn against too great intimacy with artists as it is very seductive and a little dangerous.

Once you label me you negate me.

I can only say this, a very, very important element of any country, but our country, and in my opinion, the single most important thing that a president can do is the defense of our country.

When a majority of my prayers are for others to change, I've gotten off track. Lord, change this sinner's heart.

I'm really happy for [David Petraeus]. He's exceptionally talented.

Poetry is the exquisite expression of exquisite impressions.

That's the great advantage of being a foreigner: you're not paying your dues, but you are getting all the benefits.

They came to me with this case of Twitter ignoring case of smeared housewife

You send a boy to school in order to make friends - the right sort.