That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.

I am, and always will be, the optimist. The hoper of far-flung hopes, and the dreamer of improbable dreams.

Love is here.” Chamuel pointed to her chest. “If you can’t feel it, Lilly, that’s on you.

The passion for defiling things was inborn in her. It was not enough for her to destroy them, she had to soil them too.

Worry is as useless as a handle on a snowball.

The arc of the moral universe may bend towards justice, but it doesn't bend on its own.

Sometimes when someone tells a ridiculous lie, it is best to ignore it entirely.

We have to shift our emphasis from economic efficiency and materialism towards a sustainable quality of life and to healing of our society, of our people and our ecological systems.

Is the story developing an attitude or victimized by it.

I have sped by land and sea, and mingled with much people, but never yet could find a spot unsunned by human kindness.

If I've been indulging in rich foods, a cleanse is a wonderful way to hit the reset button.