That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first time. I owe him my best.

Imagination is the deceptive part in man, the mistress of error and falsehood.

This whole [presidential] election is being rigged. These lies, spread by the media, without witnesses, without backup or anything else.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

I have a superstition about saying too much about what I want to happen, just in case it all disappears, or someone else comes along and beats me to it.

Science disembodies; art embodies.

Acting is an everlasting search for truth.

The character of every act depends upon the circumstances in which it is done.

My whole life I've been trying to prove I'm not just yesterday.

It seemed like my favourite kind of job - a wonderful chance to ask something absolutely fundamental: the fate of the Universe and whether the Universe was infinite or not