That which does not kill you isn't finished.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Marketing without sales is dead.

God picked you up, saved you and redeemed you, not only because He needs you, but because this present generation also needs you. You represent hope to several thousands of people.

Make yourself necessary to somebody.

We set ourselves limits, but we are all strong enough to aim higher, to achieve our goals. All we have to do is find such strength within ourselves. Know how to develop it.

I've introduced myself with comedy, and once you've introduced yourself as something, that's where people keep you. That's where people like to hold you.

Don't be afraid to fall flat on your face.

Let's all pretend to be someone else, and then perhaps we'll find out who we are.

Blue tried not to look at Gansey's boat shoes; she felt better about him as a person if she pretended he wasn't wearing them.

We cannot help living in history. We can only fail to be aware of it.

My business was great, and in such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.