That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

When you take dancing lessons, you learn steps and you learn steps and you learn steps. It can go on for a long time. And then one day, you just learn to dance, and it is so different.

The world's a puzzle; no need to make sense out of it." - Socrates

I am going to provide school choice and put an end to common core and bring our education local.

The Catholic hierarchy has become more conservative. What we don't know is whether [Catholic voters] will become increasingly conservative, or .. stay swing voters.

We're an ideal political family, as accessible as Disneyland.

Hold the door for an old man. Old ladies can take care of themselves; they've been doing it long enough.

The most effective comeback to an insult is silence.

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

But revealing yourself as ignorant apparently gives one extraordinary credibility on the left.