That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.

On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man - the biography of the man himself cannot be written.

It's true I always try to be as seductive as possible but I wouldn't be here if I couldn't play tennis.

The pens which write against disarmament are made with the same steel from which guns are made.

Power means happiness; power means hard work and sacrifice.

No matter how good or experienced, he [Sehwag] can kill your attitude.

It was always difficult to get cattle returned once a marriage was dissolved.

I mean, I feel like I've been pretending I was a werewolf since I was a little kid.

Nature has mysterious infinities and imaginative power. It is always varying the productions it offers to us. The artist himself is one of nature's means.

My mom and dad are both in stand-up comedy, so that's where I started, that's where I got everything. My roots are holding the mic.

Hip-hop was fast, originally. It was always fast music.