That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Have you asked yourself why you protect me? Are you as messed up about all this as me?

I think I’d rather be branded than submit to some of the things that you have to.” He said this without spite, just a soft statement of fact. “I’m not strong enough to do that.

Life really could be an enjoyable experience, if we only knew what it demands of us.

Adele shattered the image of how the stereotypical singer is supposed to look. She has that whole 'Screw you, I'm awesome for what I do' attitude, which I really look up to and want to be a part of.

To sit for one's portrait is like being present at one's own creation.

I like fighting Tories... that's what I do.

If environmentalism is a fad, it will be the last one.

I got drunk when I was five. Everybody gets drunk before they're 21.

In avoiding one evil we fall into another, if we use not discretion.

Tel Aviv, with its young Olim community, is the sexiest thing on the entire planet.