The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

Most harm is done by people who are awake.

Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

I've spent various periods of my career being thought of as various things, various degrees of substance and ideas.

In the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness.

There needs to be nationalist and republican confidence in unionism.

Happiness is not reaching your goal. Happiness is being on the way.

In the land of God's and Monsters, I was an angel looking to get f-ked hard.

Small successes are still successes; great failures are still failures.

There can be no censorship better than one's own conscience.

If I wanted to make over my image, I could have given 10,000 interviews in the last 10 years. I haven't done anything wrong that I need to make up for. I am what I am in front of the world.

A wise man sings his joy in the closet of his heart.

[L]et us believe that all is going along the best in the world when we take no satisfaction in it, provided we humble ourselves for this and redouble our confidence in God.