The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee, One clover, and a bee, And revery.The revery alone will do, If bees are few.

I have a headache. If only I had a crown to put on!

Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another.

Everybody thinks that equality comes from identifying people, and that's not where equality comes from.

Money isn't everything, but it is when you start thinking about putting money away for your retirement days.

The cry for love and communion and for recognition that rises from the hearts of people in need reveals the fountain of love in us and our capacity to give life.

Said a skunk to a tube-rose, "See how swiftly I run, while you cannot walk nor even creep." Said the tube-rose to the skunk, "Oh, most noble swift runner, please run swiftly!"

When some fellers decide to retire nobody knows the difference.

If we see someone who needs help, do we stop? There is so much suffering and poverty, and a great need for good Samaritans.

If you're not good looking, you're considered a good actor, you know what I mean?