The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Lets build a happy little cloud.Lets build some happy little trees.

You don't need to be smarter

Life is beautifully tragic. Giving it up isn't the hard part

The works have to look like they're confident. But they also have to look sort of troubled. It's this weird thing: "Does that look confident and troubled?" It's a bit like difficult poetry.

I am a great procrastinator. When the writing is going really well, the laundry piles up.

If we give purely, it opens up a doorway in our heart and it gives us the vision to see that those we give to are God.

I'm not prepared to make any multi-decade commitments.

It's possible to be satisfied with a day's work or a cake, but a life... what is a life but a history of events badly remembered?

No black person married to a white person can speak for me!

Mind's requirements and expectations cannot be fulfilled. Existence has no obligation to fulfill mind's requirements and demands. You have to accept existence as it is.