The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

That was, in fact, my life. A whole series of reasonable lies.

No one understands now. Those who couldhear a song this deeply vanished long ago.

We build buildings which are terribly restless. And buildings don't go anywhere. They shouldn't be restless.

I myself am Muslim and I stand on the side of an open society.

When you're the director, you kinda do all the work.

Ted needs someone to be there 100% of the time. He thinks that's love. It's not love - it's babysitting.

I never thought about extending the promotions. Maybe I've matured but I feel that a shorter and more powerful promotion is better.

Men are not taking women's job, which are good jobs. Being a nurse is an excellent job.

Life and death appear more certainly ours than whatsoever else; and yet hardly can that be called ours, which comes without our knowledge, and goes without it.