The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

If a nation and any nation on this earth could raise up the standard of personal responsibility in their society, you will in no time see a nation of virtuous people, developed and civilized.

I learned this early on in the variety business: You've got to give folks responsibility, you've got to trust them, and then you've got to check on them.

I've started doing yoga and meditation, but I'm not very good at that kind of thing and turning my brain off.

I'm a painter, that's what I love to do first and foremost.

Progress needs the brakeman, but the brakeman should not spend all his time putting on the brakes.

Hills. We love them. We hate them. They make us strong. They make us weak. Today I chose to embrace hills.

I want to be the player who hits home runs, drives in runs.

He does what he thinks God would do if God only knew the facts.

I think most people assume if you're a Latino in Texas, you're Mexican. It's not really a problem, and I love so much about Mexican culture and the Mexican people.

The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.