The Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Before getting upset, always ask yourself: Will this even matter in six months, in a year, or in five years? if the answer is no, then let it go.

I don’t want to still be mad at them. But right now, I don’t know how not to be.

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank.

Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.

I am a singer, not a full-on rapper.

If you have two coats, one of them belongs to the poor.

The ultimate vision is to instate in the Muslim world the notion of multiculturalism, which is part of our heritage and history, part of the fundamental, mainstream ideals of Islam.

Yield, ye arms, to the toga; to civic praise, ye laurels.

I'm becoming the Fuhrer - the Fuhrer of Laughs!