The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Could I imagine being a piano? That'd be awesome. I'd throw a D-minor at you to make you sad, then an F-major to make you happy!

Any music can be healing if it inspires, relaxes, encourages or creates enthusiasm for life in you.

As an English player you are lifted when the crowd gets behind you. The atmosphere over here can be unsettling for the Australian players and I hope all our fans get behind us.

The greatest evils, are from within us; and from ourselves also we must look for the greatest good.

I love myself, the way I look, my body, but sometimes I can't help but feel insecure.

What is constitutive is the action that divides madness, and not the science elaborated once this division is made.

As audiences, when we are exposed to oral history projects not only do we learn but in some ways we also bear witness to that which we have not experienced personally.

claire:shes floating whats wrong with that shane:Nothing but she didnt even insult me now thats just wrong.it desturbs me.

I'm my own biggest marketing tool. I know the history of the business and I might as well capitalize on it.

We are all Africans under the skin.