The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion

One can only organize so much and then leave the rest to fate.

The key ingredient in engaging the power available from service is motive.

One minute I was playing chess and doing maths all the time, the next I had been rerouted into more 'normal' girls' activities: reading, writing stories and worrying about my clothes.

The newly-minted captain admits the irony between the gold on his shoulders and the lack of gold in his pockets.

I mean, I feel like you get more bees with honey. But that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated in my life.

To be the best, I had to work harder than everyone else.

Being a psychologist did enable me to maintain objectivity.

One of my favorite artists on Deviantart.

The universe unfolds in the body, which is its mirror and its creature.