The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Only when you give from the heart does it make the giving whole.

He sent the trained dog that is his talent off in search of a fat glorious pheasant, and it brought back the lower half of a Barbie doll.

Set your strong intention, work hard, and pray, slowly but surely, what you strive for will come to be. This is God’s law.” -127

The great thing about this life of ours is that you can be someone different to everybody.

America desperately needs a moral rebirth. We need to implore God's blessings on our country and ask Him to forgive our sinfulness and restore our moral perspective.

Beginning in 1973 and then acts in '77, '78, 1980, 1994 and then into the 21st century in the international arena, governments have steadily gotten out of the transportation business.

It may not have the virtuous ring of the golden rule, but the maxim "never say never" is one of the most important in ethics.

You must have dreams and goals if you are ever going to achieve anything in this world.

I took up boxing to get in shape for filming because it's grueling - all the running, the heat, the yelling, the crying that we do.

You must have some money if you are going to live simply. It need not be much, but you must have some.