The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Reading promotes confident.

When there is alignment and understanding, it is much easier to navigate forward together, moving in and out of agreement.

If one foot is in a bucket of steam, and the other is in a bucket of ice, you are not, on average, comfortable.

I like to see what future generations are thinking about.

Theory attracts practice as the magnet attracts iron.

Work to recognize the primary importance of the present moment.

To be bewitched is not to be saved, though all the magicians and aesthetes in the world should pronounce it to be so.

I argued constantly with my father [Pablo Escobar] because I never liked all the violence that he created.

When you can wake up in the morning and feel successful whether some end goal is realized or not...THAT is true success.

Do what you like, but like what you do.