The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Into your darkest corner, you are safe in my love, you are protected. I am the openess you seek, I am your doorway. Come sit in the circular temple of my heart, & let yourself be calm.

Oh God, let me not be cured of love, but let my passion grow! Let me love for love's sake!

Wolves directly affect the entire ecosystem, not just moose populations, their main prey, because less moose equals more tree growth

Everything good in life is either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Conditions are never just right. People who delay action until all factors are favorable do nothing.

I believed in studying just because I knew education was a privilege. It was the discipline of study, to get into the habit of doing something that you don't want to do.

Republican governors are leading the way in helping the private sector create new jobs, reforming government and getting our economy back on track.

Our principle is that the Party commands the gun, and the gun must never be allowed to command the Party.

The state and its elites must be subject, in theory and in practice, to the same laws that its poorest citizens are.

I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.