The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Inside, my spirit is sparkling like foam on the crest of a wave at high tide under a full moon.

Yes, you're right. It's part of growing up, I suppose. You always have to leave something behind you.ü

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

I constantly worry about my family and my kids. 'Are they O.K., what are they doing right now?'

What a strange development of patriotism that turns a thinking being into a loyal machine!

In the end, you have to protect yourself at all times.

Your mind is a powerful thing. When you filter it with positive thoughts, your life will start to change.

The way one was brought up isn't an excuse for rude behavior.

The poet is always our contemporary.

Camerado! This is no book; who touches this touches a man.