The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

In the morning, a cup of love, kindness and sunshine make my day bright and happy.

Ill usage makes the sweetest of us vicious.

Underwater madness slipping into a haze, drowning and choking in repugnant nostalgic thoughts.

You can't think on purpose about somebody or something. Either you think about them naturally or you don't think at all.

There was a man once who said that mothers carry the key of our souls with them all our lives. But you threw mine away

will anything but fanaticism make for change? Wisdom and compromise come later.

Better be secure under one king, than exposed to violence from twenty millions of monarchs, though oneself be one of them.

Our very living is selling. We are all salespeople.

People will continue to make movies. But I do think the economic model of the studio movie is closing in on a kind of systemic collapse.

Sneak out." He shrugged, as if that should have been a no-brainer. But that was easy for him to say. He was dead. What else could they do to him, take away his birthday?