The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.

My whole act is confession.

As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.

The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so.

Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.

We teach reading, writing and math by [having students do] them. But we teach democracy by lecture.

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

I am careful with my material and presentation.

The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.

I was an actor before becoming a comedian.

I developed several comedy phone calls.

The word feminism has become synonymous with man-hating when in fact it has more to do with women than men.

It's madness, of course', thought Moist. 'But now I've got it, too.

On days such as this, Death’s long shadow hung like a broken halo over everyone—a sign of things to come.

A man who as a physical being is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him.

Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on?

Money is like a mirror to our culture. What we see tells us who we are.

Mansell can see him in his earphone.

Love isn't love until it's past.

I look in the mirror and see a few scars, but I like myself.

But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid - that had to mean something.