The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

And I said, 'Do I have leprosy?' And they said, 'You are a dangerous element.

But, I don't know, the violence, I can't even talk about. We don't do a lot of violent shows. When I started in television, breaking a pencil was a violent act.

You've got two options: Tap or SNAP !!!

The key to evangelism is a great product. It is easy, almost unavoidable, to catalyze evangelism for a great product. It is hard, almost impossible, to catalyze evangelism for crap.

I just said yes to opportunities that came my way.

Hearing from fans is the best feeling in the world.

Innovation without imitation is a complete waste of time.

History is an argument without end.

I think you can have a Left that isn't culturally conservative talking about lunch-bucket issues.

You can write about anything, and if you write well enough, even the reader with no intrinsic interest in the subject will become involved.