The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Religion turned some folks belligerent.

If one were to worship the Soul (self) for even a moment, he will attain moksha without fail. Such is the elegance of the body-complex (paudgalik ramanta) in this world!

'Shake It Up' definitely teaches kids about the importance of reaching for your dreams and setting high goals. It also teaches great lessons about friendship and family.

I think when I dropped The Eulogy is when it became more [about] feedback because that's when Pitchfork wanted to review it and things like that.

We're going to hammer guns on the anvil of relentless legislative strategy! We're going to beat guns into submission!

The world of the happy is quite different from that of the unhappy.

In ethics, prudence is not an important virtue, but in the world it is almost everything.

I always chose sophisticated parts because you can't really be interesting as a young girl or outstanding as an ingenue.

Confidence is not based on you having all the resources needed to take care of yourself; confidence is based upon the truth that God is faithful.

If we do not fill our mind with prayer, it will fill itself with anxieties, worries, temptations, resentments, and unwelcome memories.