The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would've said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

An unwise advisor cannot hope to advise wisely.

I'd rather be a 'THINKER' - Two Healthy Incomes No Kids Early Retirement!

I've got a sister who races motorcycles and another sister who's a Holy Roller preacher.

The pertinent question: if Americans did not want these wars should they have been compelled to fight them?

A man's true estate of power and riches is to be in himself; not in his dwelling or position or external relations, but in his own essential character.

My experience is that an original and compelling idea for a novel is a rare thing.

Master the web and you will master your universe - and your (on-line) bank account.

We were meant to live for so much more.

Isn't it time to talk not only about weather, but also about climate?

The less you know, the more I comprehend. You don't have to drag me down, I descend.