The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Life did not stop, and one had to live.

Distraction is a killer of dreams, visions and goals

[E]ven in getting the wonderful things we long for, we tend to live in want of something more[.]

I never thought being famous would be wonderful, but my limited exposure to celebrity has shown me the dark side big-time.

I don't understand these new coaches who don't drink. What do they do when they get beat?

Without the National Federation of Republican Women, there would be no Republican Party.

Sexiness is a state of mind - a comfortable state of being. It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments.

I have this theory, bands with enigmatic lyrics attract crazies.

Now the last red ray is gone; Now the twilight shadows hie.

It's important to just keep wanting whatever it is you want and fight for it, desperately.