The White House is worried about Joe Biden's potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn't have the right outcome. That's right, they think he might win.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

The most awesome powers are those not wielded.

Grace is that turning point from feeling hopeless to becoming empowered.

O blessed be the grace that makes advantages of my corruptions, even to contradict and kill themselves (648).

If I do not give a friend "The benefit of the doubt," but put the worst construction instead of the best on what is said or done, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

We are all so afraid, we are all so alone, we all so need from the outside the assurance of our own worthiness to exist.

The freedom that will be used by only one man in a million may be more important to society and more beneficial to the majority than any freedom that we all use.

I have finally realized that, you know, it's not a given that my lifespan will accommodate my writing aspirations.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

I can't even trust my own imaginary dog. How much lower can a person get?

If you make the tough decisions, people will hate you today. But they will thank you for generations.