The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

He hadn’t treated me with the love and compassion I wanted, but I was worthy of that love, and someday some boy would have it for me. I hadn’t found it yet, but I would find it soon.

The ability to represent failure as success would become an Agency tradition.

Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.

Why are stamps adorned with kings and presidents? That we may lick their hinder parts and thump their heads.

Trump's not the future; his ideas and his coalition are a dead end.

The point of life is not who falls down. The point is who gets up and how you do it.

Lots of men hate women now-a-days. ... It was a man-made world, and now we're asking to go shares in the making.

I put things on shuffle a lot, which is probably why I don't have a very good idea of genre.

Smoking too much makes me nervous. Must lasso my natural tendency to acquire such habits. Holding heavy cigar constantly in my mouth has deformed my upper lip, it has a sort of Havana curl.

Only people who die very young learn all they really need to know in kindergarten.