The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

No matter our talent, we all know in the midnight of our souls that 90 percent of what we do is less than our best.

My father's haunting memories of war had been transformed into my own haunting memories. Such is the power of war and memory.

Courage without conscience is a wild beast.

I mean it's the most objective industry in the world. If your numbers stink, you're out. If your numbers are good, you get more money. It's the most Darwinian, it's beautiful, it's brutal, it works.

I've never been fired in my life.

Blaming something else makes that something else cause; and as that cause takes on power, the individual in the same act loses control and becomes effect.

Well, we are men. Let's start acting like it.

Civil rights laws were not passed to protect the rights of white men and do not apply to them.

In the distance someone is singing.

No organization ever created an innovation. People innovate, not companies.