The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

Write the ending first and then you'll know before the opening sentence that it's going to be a good book.

You had me at fruit pies

I always had long hair. When you lose it, you realise just how important it is to your identity.

You can do anything you want to do.

A man loses his illusions first, his teeth second, and his follies last.

History is the short trudge from Adam to atom.

It is a good idea to know which publishers publish which stories. For example, there is no sense in sending a picture book text to a publisher who does not publish picture books.

And while you was bangin on tables, I was bangin Snow White.

What distinguishes success from failures is that the successes constantly thirst for new ideas and knowledge.

None know how often the hand of God is seen in a wilderness but them that rove it for a man's life.