The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

I don't want comfortable. My heart is not a recliner.

It is easy to create a memory, but it is almost impossible to forget.

Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence

Do you know how many calories are in butter and cheese and ice cream? Would you get your dog up in the morning for a cup of coffee and a donut?

I'm glad it was me and not you, Mr. President.

I think that we should make the best of where we live and we all should be able to come back home to a place that is welcoming and represents who we are.

The great art of governing consists in not letting men grow old in their jobs.

The door to the invisible must be visible.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

It is comparatively easy to leave a mistress, but very hard to be left by one.